Aliens and zombies
living with grief
“How can you just go about your life and act like nothing happened?” Irrationally, I wanted to scream this out loud to every random stranger that I saw on the street. In an instant, my whole world had changed, and I felt completely alone, left to carry this excruciating burden by myself. How could the rest of the world just continue on with their lives when I couldn’t? How could they laugh? How could they smile? Didn’t they know that my whole existence was shattered with the loss of my mom? I felt like I was on another planet and I just didn’t belong here anymore. Living with grief makes you feel painfully like an outsider. She was so suddenly and violently ripped from my life, how could I ever go back to being a normal person again? When my mom died, I endured this bizarre out-of-body experience on a daily basis. Life around me seemed to be whizzing by on fast-forward, and there I was with my feet encased in concrete, stuck standing in one place, unable to move. My whole world had come to a screeching halt and the absence of her was an all-encompassing ache that took over my body and soul. Life went on for everyone else in the world, except for me. How could I possibly manage to take one step forward without her here? If I moved, I would be leaving her in the past and I wanted to keep her in the present for as long as I could possibly could.
The zombie finds an alien
Right after my mom was killed, I was talking with a friend (who had lost her dad in a tragic car accident just a year earlier) about these specific feelings I was having. I was telling her how part of me felt like a zombie, just pretending to be a regular human, walking through a world that I could no longer connect with. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, “I know exactly how you feel. Mine is an alien.” I was so relieved to know that I wasn’t alone and this aspect of the grieving process was completely normal. It is so difficult to know what’s “normal” and even what’s real when you are going through the total shock and unbearable pain of suddenly losing a loved one. Here we were, a zombie and an alien, masquerading around as normal women, with none of the outside world the wiser.
becoming a zombie
Upon receiving the terrible news that my mom was dead, I had a short bout with denial, but once I had spoken with the homicide detective assigned to her case, I accepted the inconceivable fact that she was really gone. I was devastated to get confirmation that it wasn’t some horribly tragic mistake, and she wasn’t in a coma at the hospital with a chance that she would wake up. I had to face reality. The person that I was, before my mom died, was dead now too. In that instant, I immediately transformed into a zombie. I was walking around, I was talking to my husband Richard, I was calling my closest friends, and most importantly, I was breathing. Richard booked us tickets on the next flight out of Florida, and I managed to pack a bag, but I could not tell you which airline we flew on from Orlando to Los Angeles only a few hours after I had heard those 3 terrible words: “Mom is dead.”
the walking dead
As we made our way through the airport, I had no idea what time it was, and the tears were just involuntary at this point. I felt like (and I’m sure I looked like) I belonged in an episode of the ‘Walking Dead.’ There I was, just lumbering along through the crowds, with the scenery blurry all around me. Looking back on it now, I can picture Rick Grimes jumping out from behind a pillar and putting me out of my zombie misery. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t make decisions, and I couldn’t communicate with people…I was truly miserable. I was going through the motions of being a human being, but I was lost in my own zombie world. I will be forever grateful to my husband for literally holding me up and carrying me through the airport, making me eat and drink, and just putting his arms around me while I cried relentlessly. I have always prided myself on being such an in-control and strong woman, and for the first time in my life, I was completely dependant on someone else. This wasn’t something that I was used to, but I was so very glad to have.
faking it
Once we landed in California, we got a hotel room for the night, so that we could try to close our eyes before making the 5-hour drive to the small town that I grew up in. I just laid there in total agony and sleeping was nearly impossible. However, when the sun came up, I was miraculously able to lessen the degree of my initial zombieness, because now I had a serious job before me: big sister. This responsibility really helped me get it together, at least on the outside, because they needed me. As the oldest sibling, I knew that all eyes would be on me for strength and guidance, and there was no way I was going to let my brother and sister down. In many ways, they helped me find my purpose during a time that I couldn’t even hold my own head up. I’ve learned that having someone who is depending on you is a quick way to help yourself at least ‘fake it until you make it.’ As we are ‘faking it’ through the grieving process, many times we actually become what we are pretending to be, and in this case, that was a very positive outcome. I began to believe the reassurances I was giving to my siblings, and every time I gave love, I felt it come back to me multiplied, which I know was my mom sending me love and light to help me through this dark time.
ugly baggage & kindness
Today, almost a year and a half later, do I still feel like a zombie? Absolutely. I have survived a tragic event that will haunt me forever, and my heart will be grieving for the rest of my existence. However, to a stranger looking in, purely at the surface of my life, they would never know it. I do have an incredibly beautiful life in so many ways and I am immensely thankful for my blessings, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have hideous scars on the inside. I am damaged, broken, and torn to pieces internally, but I’d like to think that I do a respectable job of living my life so that those negative parts of me aren’t allowed to take control. I choose to concentrate on love, laughter, fun, success in my career, adventure, or whatever brings light to my life. It is a daily challenge for me, creating my new normal, but I make every effort not to feed my inner zombie. Instead I aim my focus on gratitude, living a life that would make my mom proud, and above all, the simple joys that bring me happiness. It’s essential to remember that everyone we meet is fighting a battle we know nothing about, and that’s why it’s of the utmost importance that we are kind to one another. As we are combating our inner conflicts and struggling to cope with the ugly baggage we carry, us aliens and zombies of the world appreciate kindness more than anything. Thank you for the kindness.